Don't Pretend To Love Me!
by PenguinKing97
Summary: -Not to be confused with what Muggleborn-lp wrote. Same basic idea, seriously different content; And, it's actually grammar checked by someone with and English Lit degree, so it's enjoyable.- When her only magical relative comes to Hogwarts, Hermione asks Harry to cover for her white lie, and pretend to be her boyfriend. What could go wrong? Oh, that's right- Everything.
1. Chapter One: Harry VS Draco

**CHAPTER ONE: Harry VS. Draco**

It was Harry Potter's seventh year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The air was hot that Thursday afternoon, and the temperature was no better in the stone-walled dungeons that housed the Potions classroom. Harry was rather distracted by the heat, and had forgotten that while Yengyeng and Boomslang may sound similar, the skins of the two were not interchangeable as ingredients.

BANG!

"Ten points from Gryffindor!" proclaimed Snape.

Harry slumped in his seat, mourning the state of Gryffindor's points. He was fairly sure the rest of the house was going to disown him sooner or later.

"Don't worry Harry, it's not that bad," said Ron. The tall redhead was sitting next to him, having similar troubles with his version of what should have been Polyjuice Potion. However, it was a rather sickly yellow color, and smelled rather like things that shouldn't be mentioned in polite company. "I mean, look at Neville's cauldron." Harry turned around and saw Neville's cauldron puffing green smoke, and Professor Snape striding towards him with a smirk on his face. "Well, Mr. Longbottom it seems that six years in my class just isn't enough to hammer out incompetence from one who was practically marinated in it." The man began to stride away, robes billowing, before adding, "I expect your potion to be perfect at the end of class. You will be drinking it, after all." Neville's face turned patchy and pale as his body seemed bathe itself with sweat. "What if I die?" he squeaked.

Snape's left brow raised. "Don't get my hopes up. I hate it when students don't deliver."

"That's so unfair," Hermione whispered to Harry and Ron. "Crabbe and Goyle's potions are way worse, but you don't see him taking points off Slytherin or giving them detention." Several minutes of frantic chopping and stirring passed before Snape turned around and glanced at the hourglass. "That will be it for today's lesson!" he announced in a tone between contempt and relief. "Leave your samples at my desk, _clearly labeled,_ and I shall asses them. Except for you, Longbottom. You stay where you are."

Everyone filed out of the classroom, while Neville looked rather like he was headed for the electric chair. "I swear, mate, seven years with that man is too long. You'd think he would grow some humanity. Or at least some villainous facial hair. Come to think of it, why hasn't he?" Ron rambled a bit as the headed for their next class. "Maybe he just can't grow a mustache?" Harry said offhandedly. Ron snorted and muttered, "Git would probably find a way to use it as a weapon." They walked in silence before harry spoke up. "Hey, look at the bright side," he said, patting Ron on the back "Next class is Defense Against the Dark Arts."

"Ohhh, Professor Lupin is supposed to be letting us use those new curses today… I wonder if any of them are particularly destructive?" Hermione said in a dreamy tone, frighteningly close to the tone of Luna Lovegood. Harry and Ron exchanged concerned looks, but didn't say a word. Sometimes, Hermione was just downright scary; especially when one considered she'd been the first to master those new curses.

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A few minutes later, they arrived at the DADA classroom, just in time for the start of the lesson. A man with mildly pale skin, disheveled hair and a long blue robe sat at the front of the room, with a nameplate reading 'R.J. Lupin' on the desk. "Hey, you three. Hope you're ready- it's a practical class today." Harry reached him first, and extended a traditionally awkward greeting. "Hey Remus… sorry, erm, Professor Lupin." "Hello Professor," greeted Hermione and Ron casually. Inside the classroom stood the familiar plank stage that Gilderoy Lockhart used for their dueling lessons. The students' excitement grew as they gathered around the stage. Harry, Hermione and Ron stood in front at one side, while Crabbe, Goyle and Draco Malfoy stood behind them. When Lupin finally arrived on the stage, he gazed down for a moment to see Harry and Ron giving him the thumbs up.

Lupin held his wand at ease. "Alright everyone. Today, we're going to practice a few new curses in a practical setting. I hope you can all cast the right counter curses. If not… well, we should know who's been doing their homework, at least," the professor finished with a wolfish grin. Harry turned to Hermione with a similar grin, saying something about the joys of practical magic and something or other about a blonde ferret.

Hermione beamed at him and pinched his nose.

"Now, when I call your names, take your positions across from each other. Curses are fine, but nothing meant to injure or kill- _incapacitate only,_ he said heavily, looking at the cluster of Slytherins at the side of the crowd. Draco Malfoy, at least, had the presence of mind to look offended. _'When his father hears about this…_ Harry thought, knowing exactly what was going through the boy's head.

"Miss Lavender Brown and Miss Parvati Patil." Lupin called.

Lavender and Parvati jumped up and down holding each other's arms. The two had a difficult time dueling, however- whatever ground one made was quickly undone by the other, and vice versa. Lavender, however, got in a lucky shot with one of the new curses they had learned the day previous- the Vintellus Curse, which made it difficult for Parvati to move, seeing as the air around her had just become solid. "Match!" cried Lupin, slightly put out. He applied the counter curse, and proceeded to call the next pair.

"Mr. Seamus Finnegan and Mr. Dean Thomas."

Dean and Seamus high fived each other. Dean won the duel, stunning Seamus just as the professor yelled to begin. The Irish boy, meanwhile, ranted that he wasn't ready- "Likely story, mate. Now get up off your arse."

"Mr. Vincent Crabbe and Mr. Gregory Goyle!"

Crabbe won by default, due to Goyle trying to stun him as he got onto the stage.

"Mr. Ronald Weasley, and Miss Hermione Granger!"

As expected, Hermione won the duel- and the next. Ron had insisted that two out of three would prove him the victor. "You never learn, mate," Harry said. "Stop moving, I can't charm those boils off if you keep squirming. Plus, they're rainbow colored- it's making me dizzy."

"Harry and Draco, please come up," called Lupin.

Draco (in a rather over-dramatic fashion) jumped as his name was called. "Oh, I'm sorry, _professor,_ " he said with an ugly sneer. "I was unaware I'd be taking orders from a dog."

"Come up the stage, Draco," Lupin urged him.

"Geez, what is it with you forcing me to partner up with Potter? You might think there's some kind of bias here," the young Slytherin said off-handedly.

"Here we go again," Harry muttered to Hermione.

"I'm not biased, Draco," said Lupin, a tiny bit of annoyance showing through. "You two are simply the closest in terms of practical skill-"

Lupin was cut off by the sound of the door opening. Neville strode through the crowd without realizing his skin was pale blue, probably because of his potion's disastrously botched effect. He let out a long burp, the blue color draining from him slowly as his skin returned to normal. Hermione and Ron waved him over to them. "Are you okay, Neville? How do you feel?" Hermione said. "I'm good, thanks for asking," Neville said with an exhausted tone.

"Did he err… do anything to that potion?" asked Ron. Hermione and Neville turned to him with their eyes narrowed. "I'm just saying if he did we can sue him," Ron said defensively. Hermione placed her hand on his shoulder, "Another bad dream?" "Something like that—hey look," Ron said, cutting himself off and pointed at the stage. Draco was now face to face with Harry, glaring at one another's opponents. The excitement was rising in the room- you don't see the two most popular men in school duel every day. Both Quidditch captains of their own houses, both on the list of "Top Ten Seniors You'd Most Likely Do" (according to the Patil twins, anyhow), both being stalked by dozens of women, and both couldn't care less.

Cheers were being shown by their own housemates, the Slytherins chanting Draco's name while the Gryffindors cheered on their Quidditch captain, someone at the back even yelling 'Kill, kill, kill'; Terry Boot was the culprit, and began to move his mouth silently, a result of a sneakily cast Silencing charm from an unknown caster. "You can do It, Harry!" cheered Hermione. She slipped her wand back up her sleeve as she spoke. "Keep your guard up, mate!" Ron yelled. "Anytime you two are ready," said Lupin, who had now moved to stand beside Neville in the crowd.

"Took you long enough to come up here," Harry told Draco.

"Might have gotten stuck fighting Longbottom if I didn't, though," Draco said with a shudder. "You ready Scarhead?"

"Born ready, Ferret."

"We'll shoot on three?" asked Harry.

"Suit yourself," Draco replied. "One…"

Harry dropped into a fighting stance. "Two…"

"THREE!" both shouted.

Their disarming spells ricocheted off one another. Draco's disarmed Lupin from afar as Harry disarmed one of the Knight statues in the room. Without wasting another second, Harry flourished his wand again.

"EXPELIARMUS!" Draco was knocked a step back. His wand was spinning in the air but Draco still managed to grab it and return a spell of his own. "STUPEFY!"

"PROTEGO!" yelled Harry, his shield charm bouncing the stunning spell in another direction.

The stage was no longer enough for Harry and Draco. They began to move to the rest of the room, and the class scattered in panic. Lupin was knocked down after somebody's disarming spell hit him directly on the forehead. Nothing was heard in the room but hysteria and the voices of Harry and Draco trying to hex each other into the next life. Finally, the two stopped moving. It was a standoff now. Draco then pointed his wand towards Ron, who was with Hermione tending to Lupin. Harry immediately shot a shield charm around them; But it was all a trick. Draco never had the intention to fire at Lupin. He capitalized on Harry's unprepared position and mustered a blasting spell with all his strength. "EXPULSO!" It hit Harry square in the chest, causing him to fly backwards and hit the wall.

"Harry!" screamed Hermione. A (now fully revived) Professor Lupin rushed to Harry, followed closely by Hermione, Ron and the rest of the Gryffindors. Lupin slapped Harry's cheeks mildly, trying to revive him. "Harry, Harry, are you alright? Talk to me, c'mon". Harry's chest was bruised and bleeding, Hermione held Harry's head looking worried. Harry opened his eyes slightly to see Hermione's face above him. "I can't believe I fell for that one," Harry said jokingly.

"Harry, don't try to stand up, you'll hurt yourself," said Lupin.

Ron turned back to Draco and glared at him. "Come over here, Ferret. I'm gonna…" He was stopped by Professor Lupin, who looked at Malfoy sharply. "Detention. Every night this _month_. You were not meant to try and kill your opponent," he said with barely suppressed rage. "And Dumbledore _will_ be speaking to you.

Draco did not respond. Instead he stared angrily the sight of Hermione helping Harry to his feet.

"Professor?" called Hermione "We should really take him to Madam Pomfrey."

"Ron, help me carry him to the hospital wing." ordered Lupin. "Yeah, okay," Ron replied.

Lupin and Ron helped each other to carry Harry to the hospital wing, while Hermione followed behind. A few minutes later, Harry was lying unconscious in a hospital bed. Madam Pomfrey had attended Harry's wounded chest. It was bandaged heavily, and he had been given a dose of Skele-Gro. Draco's blasting hex had broken several ribs. Hermione was sitting beside Harry, opposite Ron. Madam Pomfrey was about to tell them to get out, that Harry needed rest, when Professor Lupin came inside. Lupin examined Harry briefly, then turned to face Madam Pomfrey. "Is he going to be alright?" asked Lupin softly.

"Yes Professor, he's going to be just fine. I have managed to close up his wound quickly, and I can say that as long as his bones regrow correctly, he can leave tomorrow morning. But..." she paused for a minute "He is not allowed to practice for Quidditch for at least a week, or participate in any strenuous physical activities," said Madam Pomfrey. "Harry's not going to like that news," Ron whispered to Hermione, as they listened unobtrusively.

"I understand," said Lupin. He then turned to Hermione and Ron and smiled "You heard what Madam Pomfrey said you two, he's going to be alright, and he will be out tomorrow morning."

Hermione and Ron looked at each other with some lingering concern, took one more look at Harry, and began the trek back to Gryffindor Tower. "You know, we might just have to make this school a little less safe for little blonde ferrets," Hermione said, taking that dreamy tone again. Ron just smirked and stayed quiet- he'd been thinking exactly the same thing.


	2. Chapter Two: The Visitor

**CHAPTER TWO: The Visitor**

Hermione and Ron finally arrived at Gryffindor Tower after a twenty-minute trek from the hospital wing. After telling the password to the Fat Lady, they went inside the secret passage hidden behind the portrait, and Hermione bid Ron goodnight before making her way up the girls' dormitory. Entering the room, she noticed Parvati and Lavender already asleep. This was a good thing; she did not feel like talking to anyone now. All that she wanted to do was rest. After changing in to her P.J.s, she crawled in to her bed, but sleep seemed to elude her. She just couldn't shake the feeling that something was about to happen. As her father had once said, 'things tend to go pear-shaped exactly when they shouldn't.'

Hermione arrived at the Great Hall that morning, along with Parvati and Lavender. She then saw Ron already busy on his plate as Dean and Seamus were talking at the Gryffindor table. "Hey Ron!" Hermione greeted. Ron looked up at her and swallowed his mouthful of food with difficulty. "Hey Hermione!" said Ron, now gasping for air. Hermione sat down beside him and helped herself to a breakfast of eggs and bacon. "Good morning, Neville," She added as she saw him. He looked a little weak. "Is everything alright?" she asked.

"I'm just tired," Neville replied, stabbing a piece of bacon to his plate.

"What's the matter?" asked Lavender.

"I cleaned Lupin's classroom after class yesterday. He asked if I minded helping him with it," Neville told them.

"Why didn't you just say no?" Dean asked.

"I guess I got so used to doing detention with Snape, I lost my will to say 'I don't want to,'" he replied.

Neville had never had a whole table feel sorry for him all at once before. He started to fidget uncomfortably, not being used to the kind of attention he was receiving. As he tried to ignore the questions flying at him, suddenly an owl came swooping down the window above them. The owl was positively huge, colored black and gray. It stood like a soldier in salute after landing. Hermione was surprised when she saw the owl; she was not expecting a letter from anyone. She found the owl familiar but just could not remember where she might have seen it. Realizing that just looking at the owl would not help her, she took the letter tied with its leg. Once free of its burden, the owl flew away and left Hermione with her letter. She read the note once… twice… three times. After reading it, Hermione sighed in discomfort. "What's wrong?" Ron asked absentmindedly.

"Nothing. My entire world is falling apart around me, that's all," she answered.

"Okay," said Ron, still clueless. _Probably just a girl thing,_ he thought.

"Damn. Damn. Damn!" Hermione muttered silently, becoming more vocal as her swearing went on. She lowered her head into her hands.

"Who's the letter from?"

Hermione jumped in surprise. She turned around, and there was Harry, smiling down at her.

"Harry!" Hermione said, displaying far too much enthusiasm, but simply thankful for a distraction. "Ron and I were just going to pick you up after breakfast," said Hermione. A few of the Gryffindors near them greeted Harry, and made him sit down to eat with them. "How are you mate? Does your chest still hurt?" asked Dean Thomas, who was sitting near Seamus and Ron. Harry sat down and grabbed a light breakfast, some toast and pumpkin juice. "It's actually getting better Dean, thanks for asking," he said. Hermione pocketed her mail and looked at Harry. "Just remember about what Madam Pomfrey said, you're not supposed to push yourself too hard," said Hermione.

Before he could think, Harry snorted at her usual mothering concern, but when she shot him the look of She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Disobeyed, his usual lion-hearted courage decided that a vacation sounded wonderful right then. "Erm… you, er, you didn't answer my question, though. Who was the letter from?"

Hermione leaned over and whispered in his ear, "I need to ask you about something later; and don't tell Ron about it, whatever you do." Harry then smirked and nodded at her with a look on his face that spoke of agreement. Exchanging grins, they both got back to their breakfasts.

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Professor McGonagall released the class a couple minutes earlier than usual that day. Harry was walking down the corridor, enjoying his few minutes of freedom before afternoon Potions, when he heard Hermione call his name. He glanced around, not seeing anyone, when he felt a hand grab his and yank him into an empty classroom. Hermione took out her wand and pointed it at the door. "Colloportus," she stated firmly, and the door clicked and glowed for a split second. "So? What's this all about?" asked Harry.

Hermione was blushing as she bit her lip in embarrassment. This behavior was quite new for her- she was usually quite outspoken. Harry found that the way she fidgeted her thumbs as she chewed her bottom lip was absolutely adorable. "Well, I was about to ask you if you could..." she began, trailing off as a new form of the color red enveloped her face. "I could what?" Harry asked, thoroughly confused. There was nothing Hermione could say to him that was this embarrassing. Right?

"I was wondering if you could be my boyfriend?" Hermione managed to blurt out, still blushing. Harry chuckled, "And Ron said you don't have a sense of humor." Harry continued on laughing, but he noticed Hermione was not laughing with him. She was perfectly still and glowing red at this point. The reality, that Hermione was not joking at all, hit Harry all at once. She really was serious. Harry's eyes widened. _She couldn't be confusing me for someone else, could she?_ He thought. _She would never feel that way about me. I'm just the best friend._ As he learned how to form words again, his response was practically explosive. "What!?" Harry shouted, "You want me to be your boyfriend?" asked Harry, apparently choking between words.

"I just want you to pretend we're together, Harry," Hermione said quickly. "It's my Uncle, he's going to visit Hogwarts and he thinks you're my boyfriend!" Hermione added quickly. "BUT WHY?" Harry asked, his volume rising.

"Well, after I broke up with Viktor, I told him that I was seeing someone else. Someone better than him." said Hermione.

"And that would be me, right?" said Harry, his left hand currently holding his forehead to stop the room from spinning.

Hermione nodded.

Harry was growing paler with each passing second. Although he was still shocked speechless, he knew why Hermione told her uncle that he was her boyfriend. After all, a boyfriend better than Viktor Krum, world class Quidditch star, was a tall order. The "Boy Who Lived" was one of the few that qualified. He hated the title, but he was stuck with it.

Harry walked a few steps away and leaned on the nearest wall to him "I think I've got a migraine." said Harry in a faux-calm voice.

"I'm way ahead of you," said Hermione, rummaging in her bag for something. "I have a potion for headache here. Do you feel drowsy?"

"Hermione… are you sure about this?"

"It's just a few days, Harry. We'll only have to pretend until he goes back to Brighton," said Hermione. In truth, she was slightly hurt that he was so adverse to the idea. Harry was silent for a while, rubbing his temples with the tips of his fingers. He sighed, finally making his decision. _What the hell. At the very least, it'll be an opportunity to see if we're… compatible,_ he thought to himself. "Alright, Hermione, I'll do it." Hermione's whole face brightened and she smiled a brilliant and contagious smile.

"Oh thank you Harry! You will never regret it, I promise! Count on me to make it up to you after this whole thing is over!" said Hermione cheerfully.

Harry crossed his arms, a playful smirk creeping onto his face. "You might say that I'm the best guy that you've ever had in your life."

Hermione laughed. "You're the best guy I ever had in my life."

"And…"

"And you're the king of awesomeness?"

"And…"

"Aaand… We're going to be late for potions, let's go!" she said, grabbing his arm.

"Well, well, it's nice of you to join us today," said Snape with a raised eyebrow as Harry and Hermione opened the door of potions classroom. "Twenty points from Gryffindor." Snape turned away from them and headed to his desk. Harry and Hermione went to their seats and placed their materials and equipment on their desk. Ron leaned close to Harry while he was setting up his cauldron.

"What took you two so long?" he asked.

Harry smiled. "It's nothing important," Harry replied, without looking at his friend. _This might actually be a lot of fun._

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After classes were over and everyone was stuffed to the point of exploding with dinner, everyone headed back to their common rooms to do their homework, or be entirely unproductive (the more likely scenario being the latter), before bed.

Hermione was about to go up the stairs that lead to the mysterious cavern of rumor and legend, known as the Girls' Dormitories, when she felt someone grab her left hand. She turned around and she saw Harry holding her.

"What is it Harry?" Hermione asked.

"I forgot to ask you something about our...scheme." Harry replied. He let go of Hermione's hand. "When will your uncle arrive here?" asked Harry

"Tomorrow."

"WHAT?"

"He will be here in time for lunch," said Hermione sheepishly.

"But that's so sudden!" said Harry.

"I know Harry, but remember, you have to be convincing."

"But if you want us to be convincing, then, that would mean we have to…"

"To...?" Hermione tilted her head.

"Do what couples do," said Harry going slightly red.

Hermione began to blush. The both of them avoided each other's eyes. "Well if..." she paused for a second then glanced at Harry "If it's necessary. We have to do whatever it takes… he _cannot_ find out that I'm single," she said.

"Oh," Harry said numbly, clearing his throat.

"We have to keep it a secret from the others, Harry. Especially Ron." said Hermione. "My uncle was a Ravenclaw, so we have to be convincing".

"Ron's not _that_ much of a blabbermouth is he?" Harry asked.

"You don't know my Uncle, Harry. He has one of those piercing looks that will scare the truth out of anyone. Ron's not going to last a minute," said Hermione.

"Well it's certainly nice to see you having faith in your friends."

"Shut up," said Hermione as she playfully punched Harry on the shoulder.

"Hang on, I still don't understand something," said Harry. "How would you have a wizard for an uncle if you're muggleborn?"

"Well, my granddad adopted him when he thought his wife wasn't ever going to have a baby. About two years before he started at Hogwarts, my grandmother finally had my mother. My uncle was sent to live with my great-aunt, because she could give him a more loving home," Hermione finished sadly. "I didn't find out about him until this past summer."

"That explains one thing, but why don't you want to your uncle to find out about you being single again?" he asked. "I mean, what's he going to do? Ground you?" he teased.

"If he finds out I'm single again, he's going arrange a marriage to anybody he thinks would meet his standards the first chance he gets. In his own way, he thinks he's doing me a favor," she answered.

Suddenly they heard Ron's voice calling out Harry's name.

"I think you should go. You don't want to let Ron to keep looking for you," said Hermione.

Harry nodded "Okay, so I'll see you tomorrow morning," he said softly, before going to see where Ron was and what he wanted.

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Saturday morning, everyone was eating in the Great Hall. Harry and the others were at their usual seats at the Gryffindor table discussing the latest 'Odd Question of the Week'- this time, what kind of woman Snape would have for a girlfriend. Credit for that question went to Seamus Finnegan. However, the entire hall fell silent at the sight of a man walking through the great oak doors at the front of the room.

He was an elegant looking wizard with startlingly white hair. Like Hagrid, the man sported a bushy beard, but he kept his clean and neatly groomed. He was wearing a custom fur coat, brown with white trim. His shoes looked expensive, along with his gloves and jewelry.

"Hello Hermione," the man said as he reached them.

Hermione stood up and went to him "Hello Uncle Waynard." greeted Hermione.

Hermione's Uncle glanced at Harry and the others. "Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?" he said.

"Oh, I'm sorry Uncle" she said. "These are my friends, these are Harry, Ron, Neville, Parvati, Lavender, Dean, Seamus and Ginny—Ron's younger sister." said Hermione pointing at them one by one.

"Oh, good to meet you all." he turned to Hermione then right back at them. "So tell me, who among you is Hermione's boyfriend."

It was almost as if someone had broken a time turner and frozen the Gryffindor table for three whole seconds. Their faces quickly turned to Hermione who had suddenly found that the floor was very interesting, indeed.

However, right at that moment, Harry stood up. "That would be me sir, I'm her boyfriend," said Harry.

Everyone's jaws dropped- except for Ron, who sprayed his pumpkin juice from his mouth.

"WHAT DO YOU BLOODY MEAN YOU'RE HER BOYRIEND?"


	3. Chapter Three: Ronald's Worst Day

**CHAPTER THREE: Ronald's Worst Day**

As Harry stomped back to his dormitory, Hermione no longer by his side, he was given far too much opportunity to dwell on what had happened in the Great Hall. _Bloody best friend is being a bloody prat for no good reason,_ he thought. The events of that day, in hindsight, were even worse than he had thought when they first occurred.

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 **The Great Hall, Earlier That Day**

 _"WHAT DO YOU BLOODY MEAN YOU'RE HER BOYRIEND?"_

 _"I believe, Ronald, that he means we're dating," came Hermione's scathing reply. She knew that Ron would take it harder than most, but his reaction of spraying his drink all over Ginny, then proceeding to make the situation as public as possible, had her fuming at him. "If you have a problem, I suggest you man up, and tell us. Not announce to the world something we hadn't even told you yet."_

 _"You two are just unbelievable! You can't be dating Hermione, Harry!" At this, the entire Gryffindor table froze and looked at the redhead with incredulous faces, before clearing out the area near the three friends with impressive speed. Hermione's face was a mask of calm and peace, but her voice held a soft fury that dared him to go further. Any intelligent man would have stopped there. Ron, however, kept on._

 _"Because… well, she's_ Hermione, _mate. She's your best friend. Besides, you could have your pick of girls in this castle. Why would you pick her?"_

 _The female portion of the table gasped loudly. The male portion went to work casting Protego, in case the curses Hermione was sure to fire went astray. "Ron," she said, "Come here a moment."_

 _The redhead, oblivious to the fact that he was marching his own funeral march, approached his bushy-haired executioner._

 _"A little advice, Ronald Billius Weasley. Next time you decide to insult a woman, make sure she never hears it."_

 _She then proceeded to shock the entire school even further. Instead of cursing the poor man with rainbow-colored boils again, she swiftly struck her palm out against his chest at the bottom of his ribcage. The (now breathless) redhead flew about four feet before colliding with an inconveniently place wall._

 _Harry looked on in absolute shock. He had seen people in kung-fu films on the telly do that, but he had never expected Hermione to floor someone with it. Her hair had streamed out behind her, and there were tears in her eyes when they became visible to him. Something inside of him rose up, and he felt as if a dragon were coiled inside of him, ready to incinerate the redhead who made Hermione cry._

 _He never got a chance to see if he could breathe fire, though. Professor McGonagall strode towards them with a look of fury on her face._

 _"Never, in all my years as a professor, have I seen such behavior! Fifty points from Gryffindor, Miss Granger! You will follow me to the Headmaster's office, immediately." Her voice left no room for argument, and with a last tear-stained look at Harry, she was led away._

 _"Well, that was certainly… interesting." Harry nearly jumped out of his own skin at the voice. He had completely forgotten of Waynard's presence in the school. He turned around to face the man. "She's always been a bit of a firecracker, sir," Harry said with a hint of pride in his voice. "Merlin help the man that sets her off. Where did she learn that, with the hand, and the chest?"_

 _Waynard chuckled. "It's from a muggle martial-art used by militaries called CQC. She's been taking lessons each summer since she turned eight."_

 _"Sir? Remind me never to get on her bad side," Harry said with a nervous chuckle, looking on as Madame Pomfrey began to collect Ron onto a stretcher._

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It was as if he had intentionally picked the very worst time to be a complete knob-end. "Bloody idiot…" he mumbled while turning a corner and realizing that he had gotten lost nearly ten minutes previous. He looked around for familiar portraits or at least a window so he could tell what side of the castle he was on, finding none. He turned back, hoping he could retrace his steps, but something stopped him. As soon as he had turned, he heard from behind him the muffled sound of someone crying softly. Turning swiftly back and listening closer, he could tell it was coming from a door ahead of him. He walked up to the door and considered knocking, until the voice from within spoke at last. "Come in Harry," it said. "I know it's you."

Harry hesitantly opened the door, and the sight he found before him shocked him to the core. Hermione was crying her eyes out, with a set of magical birds floating around her, reminding him of 5th year. "Hermione, what happened?" he asked, "Was it Ron?"

"No… My uncle. He said that if you didn't care enough to tell your other friends, we couldn't be together," she said with a humorless smile. "He says he's going to start looking for a 'suitable young man' immediately."

Harry had never hear of such a thing before. In movies, yes, there were arranged marriages, but Hermione was not some trophy to be traded for a couple cattle or a piece of land. "Hermione. Looks at me," he said firmly. She looked up at him, and his face was the very meaning of determination. "I don't care what it takes. I will not let you uncle trade you like a piece of property. You're worth more than that."

Hermione looked up at him, speechless. It did not take long for her to find the words to say, though. "Harry… if you really mean that, there's only one thing you could do. You don't understand what you're offering, though."

Harry wasn't fazed at all. "What can I do? I won't let you get married off to some ponce who paid your bloody uncle enough galleons."

Hermione's eyes were filled with uncertainty as she spoke. "We… we would have to get married, Harry."

"Oh. That." And with that beautifully worded response, Harry passed out on the spot.

 **Thank you all for reading and reviewing!**

· josht1987: Thank you for the suggestion. It may not seem like it, but English actually isn't a first language for my beta, and it's one of 5 that I speak, so understanding how others read it isn't our strong point lol.

· duchess145: Yeah she goes off on more than a few people over the course of my story… I have a chapter planned for later that'll really let her shine

· Charlotte: Thanks! The story kind of evolved out of an idea from someone else, and it still hasn't stopped evolving lol. When someone appreciates my stories, I feel I've done my job well :)


	4. Chapter Four: Not Enough Lemon Drops

**WHY HELLO THERE!** **Sorry about the absence, but my roommate attempted to steal my laptop (biometric security is awesome), so i haven't been able so do much. Short chapter, and a time skip, which will be explained in Chapter 5. But more importantly, the next couple chapters feature a guest star that many people will know and love, The 11th Doctor! Not going to be there for more than 2 chapters, so putting it under "Crossover" didn't feel right, you know? But anywho, onto the story!**

 **Chapter Four: Not Enough Lemon Drops (Or Fish Fingers)**

Harry was having an odd day. He was pretty sure he'd somehow agreed to marry the witch that was sitting by his side, scribbling furiously on a piece of paper. The runes and symbols made his head spin, so he'd given up trying to understand what she was actually doing. Instead, he was pondering how different his life had become in just the course of a single day.

Ron, of course, was still being Ron. He refused to speak to either of them, instead choosing to affix a scowl to his face permanently. Harry wondered briefly if Snape gave lessons on that. Besides Ron, there was the obvious change- Hermione. She was spending all of her free time with him, even if (like right then) she was just near him. She had been more affectionate with him as well; brushing her hand across his, giving him little smiles here and there, and even kissing him on the check once. He wasn't complaining at all, though, and that surprised him the most. He was honestly enjoying it. Sure, he'd admitted to himself that Hermione was rather pretty more than once, especially since their fourth year. She'd grown quite a bit, and Harry blushed as he thought about just how much she'd grown. But he was sure he'd have known before now if he had feelings for her- it couldn't just come out of nowhere like that, right? _"I'm bloody well going mad. I'm sitting here talking to myself about whether or not I'm doing the whacky and falling for my best friend. Well, at least I'm still sane enough enough to realize that I'm insane."_ Harry stopped for a second to try to work that last thought out, before giving it up as a lost cause and turning to Hermione. She chose that moment to jump up and yell, "I've got it!"

However, she was facing away from Harry, giving him just enough of a view to make him turn completely red. _"Tomatoes have probably had less color than this,"_ he thought. He figured he'd try and distract himself from the five-star view his seating offered before it got out of hand, however. "What, precisely, have you got? I mean, besides a rather confusing piece of parchment." Hermione crouched back down and showed him several symbols that meant nothing to him on said confusing parchment. "See these? I didn't write those- look at the ink! I've managed to create a responsive page. It'll try and complete a problem- and using that, we can try and figure out why a certain spell doesn't work with a set of variables. Only, I wonder why it looks like it was written in pen-"

The interruption came in a rhythmically rising and falling screeching sound, and a sudden flash of light. What they saw next, however, was almost as confusing as Harry thought Hermione's ridiculously smart paper was; A muggle police box, falling down from the sky. As it fell, it actually _slowed down,_ and for lack of a better term, landed. Harry and Hermione were up immediately, wands drawn and trained on the source of the disturbance. They inched closer, casting Protego as they went, before the police box opened, and a distinctly strange man with a distinctly strange wand leapt out. A whining sound went out, and a burst of energy sprang from the wand, flowing around the shields the two teens had put up. The man yelled something distinctly strange, then: "Take that, you bloody overgrown salt-shakers! Oh hang on." The energy stopped, and Harry got his first good look at the man. If he had thought the man strange, or the police box, his wand was stranger still; from what Harry could see, it was made entirely of metal, which made very little sense, as Hermione had told him that metal didn't have inherent magical properties, and couldn't be used in a wand. The man looked them over a few times, looked back at his police box, and waved his wand a couple times. Looking at it, he began to speak.

"Well, that can't be right. Says it's Earth. Now wasn't I just on Praxis 9? Well, can't argue with Earth. Earth it is. Lot of weird energy flowing around here, though… seems almost targeted. I wonder if they have sonic tech yet? Looks like it, they're all carrying screwdrivers."

Hermione was close to breaking down at this point. A police box had fallen from the sky, slowed and _landed,_ and spit out whatever _this_ man was. Her logical mind was on the point of imploding. "EXCUSE ME, _SIR!_ Would you mind explaining how your police box survived a fall from the sky, how it got there to begin with, and why you aren't a smear on the roof of it?" Harry and the strange man froze on the spot, waiting for her breathing to even out. "Well, young lady, I'd say you're at least semi-intelligent. (Hermione's face formed a mask of absolute shock here.) I'll make a deal. Explain this strange energy flow to me, and I'll explain how I got here." Hermione's eyes lit up, and she began talking at hypersonic speed. Hermione never turned down the chance to explain something, and nobody else was out and about, so she didn't hold back for fear of being laughed at.

"The energy flow you're picking up on- which I would assume you would know about, carrying a wand and all- is magical energy. This place has been the site of many powerful rituals for over a thousand years. The magical energy from those rituals, and from the wards surrounding the school, has saturated the ground, the air, and the stones of the castle itself. Most electronics won't work around here without being spelled to do so, because the magical energy acts as interference. Now, how on earth did you land a police box in the middle of the most heavily warded area in Europe?"

The man paused a moment. "So you call it Magic here, eh? Good a name as any, I guess. As for how the police box got _in_ the sky, I do believe you just explained it. It hit some sort of energy field that it couldn't phase through, and the engine stopped. I just barely had enough temporal force left to slow down and land." Hermione looked even more confused now. "Engine? Temporal Force? _It's a bloody police box you bloody psychopath!"_ The man jumped and pointed his wand again, and Hermione reacted instinctively; she cast two stunners in quick succession, and both hit him square in the torso. She squeaked, and brought her hands up to her face before responding logically, and sent a patronus off to Dumbledore with a message.

"Harry?"

"Yes, Hermione?"

"You'll cover for me if I ended up accidentally killing him, right?"

"Yes, Hermione."

/\\\\\

\\\\\/

Albus Dumbledore was having a perfectly nice day. He had just restocked his lemon drops; nobody quite understood how excellent the muggle sweets were for relieving the headaches that so often came with his day to day life. Fawkes was mid-cycle, and wasn't going to be Burning anytime soon. And the earl gray tea he had ordered was absolutely perfect. However, as always, peace at Hogwarts was short-lived that day. A rather powerful patronus came crashing into his office, knocking down half his magical instruments from their tables. Not many knew it, but patroni could interact with magical objects, and the mess his office had just become was one of the more annoying cases. The patronus proceeded to speak in miss Granger's voice: "Professor, we're down by the lake. A crazy man with a metal wand in a police box crash landed out here and I may have stunned him a little too hard. Please send Madame Pomfrey. And maybe a few Aurors. Or a squadron."

As the silver mist dissolved, Albus Dumbledore was utterly bewildered. That may seem logical to most, but Albus Dumbledore had only ever been truly lost three times in his life; Once on the muggle Underground, another time with a rather aggressive fan of his in his younger days, and again more recently with the knowledge that Severus Snape actually washed his hair twice a day, and it was just naturally as greasy as it was.

"I do not have enough lemon drops."


End file.
